Tell him that you love him and are proud of him. The date is 3.16.13, and his initials are RMV. Again, a minute later, he hears, You know, you dont look a day over 30. Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, Did you hear that? The bartender says, Its the peanuts. Congratulations, Bar Mitzvah, Man. Part of comedy comes from specificity, so when punching a joke writing the ending words fish can usually be replaced by halibut or red snapper, and car can usually be replaced by Prius or Buick Skylark. Some words just sound funny, like halibut and Prius. Develop your feel for that, and then use words that have a sharp, crisp, funny sound. As I am from. Once again many thanks. Now, you might be thinking: OK, funny guy.
Japanese Bar Mitzvah Joke asks bee number one. Hes my seeing-eye dog, the woman replies. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. Get your domain now before its too late. What do they do? What happens to cars when they turn 13 years old? A guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes.". So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, Hey, this is a singles bar.. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. When the bartender serves him, he says, I see you didnt order a beer for one of your brothers. A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. A dangling participle walks into a bar. Well, tell him I can't see him right now. ", Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. * * * * *. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, Hey!, This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, Hey! Maybe it was a woman. The life of todays teenager cries out for some comedic relief. 2) Then, we write custom jokes based off of that. People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders. And thus the First Council of Nicaea, a gathering in 325 C.E.
Bar mitzvah Definition & Meaning | Dictionary.com 12 Hilarious Mitzvah Puns - Punstoppable Four gays in the bar and only one stool. For starters, most of the assembled dont even understand the Hebrew. How could we share bar jokes without including an anti-joke in the mix? Panting, he tells the barkeep, Give me ten shots of yourbest whiskeyquick! So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds. Or you can consult with funny people you happen to know. Say one of the honorees is an extremely beautiful woman: Cousin Sally is quite a looker, as everyone knows. "I love all the attention," Brody, who . We almost made today business casual.. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. >In article <36C9D38B@mitre.org>, Joe Levy
wrote:>>>>>>Simon Masters wrote:>>>, >>> Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's>>> Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?>>> >>> Many thanx in advance,>>> -->>> Simon Masters. "How's your summer been?" What about that peg leg? Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Readers Digest runs it. Google me!, Sure enough, panda: A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. An amnesiac walks into a bar. Men and women always dance separately. A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. Instead of officially becoming a man, Youngman embarked of usually-funny one-liners. You could write: It makes sense that Joe loves living in the Valley, because when he stands up, hes actually above the smog. That line combines a gentle dig at a local geographic area with a gentle dig at an attribute height which almost no one is going to mind being ribbed about. A guy walks into a wedding reception. You'll always be Dad's boy. Which is why we rounded up some of our favorite bar jokes and puns below. Here are the best funny jokes for teens, clean jokes for teens and overall stupid but good jokes. One of them says, Wed like a couple of beers, please., The bartender says, OK, but dont start anything., The bartender says, Sorry, we dont cater for functions., The bartender says Sure. Ideas for Bar Mitzvah Jokes and Speeches - Holidappy I wish you much happiness and many blessings on such a special day. He asks for one beer, and one for the road. He takes a sip, then another. Okay, let this be the peer review. Writing a Bar Mitzvah speech : r/Judaism - reddit Although your son's bar mitzvah is a serious occasion, you won't find a rule saying that your speech can't contain some humor. !, The Three Hebrew Words that Make All the Difference., From West Hollywood to Yeshiva University: A Sephardic Jews Journey in the World of the Holocaust, This Poem Counts as Rabbinic School A poem for Parsha Tetzaveh, Young Actress Juju Brener on Her Hocus Pocus 2 Role, Behind the Scenes of Jeopardy! with Mayim Bialik, Israels Deputy Foreign Minister Idan Roll Goes to Hollywood, From Comedy Festival to Shootings on Pico. I just promised my wife Id never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again., The bartender replies, Sorry, we dont serve your kind here. Why not? asks the snake. The jokes are funny whether you are enjoying your drink or just catching up with your buddies. Mitzvah tank: A Mitzvah tank is a vehicle used by the Orthodox Jewish practitioners of Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidism as a portable "educational and outreach center" and . But from now on, you can also be your own man. Will Sally or anyone else mind that you made a joke about her attractiveness? I hope I've had my artistic bar mitzvah somewhere" - Jeremy Piven (Ari Gold everybody!) Once this domain sells, it is #OffTheMarketForever Simon Masters wrote:> > Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's> Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?>, > Many thanx in advance,> --> Simon Masters. The bartender, quite surprised to see a unicorn in the bar says, "That will be $7.50; and by the way, we've never seen a unicorn in here.". Body: Tell everyone why you're proud of your son and his spiritual growth. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. But they always come back!Rabbi Shlomo: Yes, I had the same problem. The untold story of Aleeza Goggins, Rigathi Gachagua Says Matiang'i Fled Kenya Fearing Ruto Would Harass Him: "Some People Are Cowards", Governor Abdulswamad Facilitates 400 Residents to Attend Burial of Luo Council of Elders Leader Willis Otondi, Babu Owino, Other Elected Kenya Young Parliamentarians Association Legislators, How to block and divert calls and SMS on Safaricom? Why, what do you have? asks the barkeep. Unique Funny Bar Mitzvah stickers featuring millions of original designs created and sold by indepe. Elf Jokes - Printable cards are perfect if you have an elf on the shelf - they are funny even if you don't) St Patrick's Day Jokes. Apparently, on the day it was originally scheduled, a cousin died, so it was canceled. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". He thinks Haf-Torah means 50 percent of the regular scroll., When writing about someones career or hobbies, its important to stay away from anything too tragic or embarrassing. asks the first bee."Great!" Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling. ""Well, what about sex?" Just last seder she read the Four Questions. Funniest Bar Jokes You've Never Heard - Bars and Bartending 52 FUNNY Bar Jokes That Can Take Away Your Hangover! The bartender says, Why the short face?, The bartender says, Want to hear a joke?, The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve noble gases here.. Barmitzvah Jokes A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Everything you need to know, Who is David Goggins wife? Theres usually an Irish man and English man in this joke, but theyre still at the Rugby World Cup. If they are all pretty salty and irreverent, up and down, you can go a lot farther than if they are primarily prim, proper and socially conservative. These terrible jokes include dad jokes, unfunny jokes, lame jokes, corny jokes and silly jokes. A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. He says, Hey barkeep! Im whats known as a Cantorial Songleader. After hes paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, So how many have you caught today? The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, Youre the eighth., The bartender says, Want to hear a joke? The corn stalk replies, Im all ears!, The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, No, sorry. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. Why are you drinking so fast? asks the barkeep. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. Heis so spooked that, when he finally finishes his Torah portion, andfaces the audience to deliver the obligatory speech, he announces,"Today I am a fountain pen!" Not a very scientific process, you say? "It's forbidden." He drinks each one in turn and walks out. Does an Israel/Palestine Joke in Succession Trailer Tell Us Anything About Season 4? A night out at your favourite bar is always a fun idea until youre hit with an awkward silence. She also loves blogging about how the social media world affects the rest of us. And, if done well, even sarcasm, cynicism, incredulity and envy can be spun into comedy gold in such a speech. Bartender jokes are another category of bar jokes that people enjoy. Miraculously, he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron. Rabbi, where did I go wrong? Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counseling. Jewish Jokes | My Jewish Learning ", The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out. Remember that the next time you see someone popping a bottle on TV. You cant hold your liquor.. 'Rabbi Geoffrey L. Shisler Bournemouth (Orthodox) Hebrew Congregation RavG@TheOffice.netEngland UK. I'm a fun guy. And that was just the lox plate. Or, Debbies a certified public accountant. Tap To Copy. "I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.", "Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Hekilled many, many mice. Get out! shouts the barman. "I didn't order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.". The NSA Walks into a bar. You might try: Herman is quite the surgeon. If you miss even one, you pay for everyone elses drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender says, Hey. . A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar. ; An early episode in '73 had Jaye P. Morgan as a celebrity sitting next . Flagship Amsterdam: Dani was awesome - See 36,659 traveler reviews, 1,242 candid photos, and great deals for Amsterdam, The Netherlands, at Tripadvisor. Helium walks into a bar, and the bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve Noble Gases here.. Dropped over to Resorts International Hotel Casino in Atlantic City to catch Henny Youngman doing one time only bar mitzvah show. Where are they? The bartender turns to the band and yells, Frank, Ive got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!. Make your speech short & sweet, not long & tedious. An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. First, you write an honest, heartfelt, serious speech, to get all of the mushy, poignant, tear-jerking stuff that needs to be said down on paper. He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. Funny Jokes; Top Rated; Most Discussed. "I'm honored to be a Jewish adult. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex? Wheres the bar? he asks. And a staircase. I'm a little nervous. Eats shoots and leaves. RELATED: 108 Dirty Jokes To Tell Your Friends That You Cant Help But Laugh At, The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. "We don't serve your type here!". A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. An oxymoron walks into a bar, and the sound was deafening. On the night of the function, everyone sat down at the table to eat, thelights dimmed, and to a tremendous fanfare from the symphony orchestra,spotlights shone on the centre of the ceiling. She must be a poor old fool, he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink. Bar Mitzvah Quotes, Bat Mitzvah Quotes, Blessings for - AllGreatQuotes A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any jobs?. Mitzvah Jokes - Joke Buddha The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: You mathematicians dont know your limits.. It's like making a tuna sandwich: first, you prepare the tuna, then you wrap it up with the bread. He asks, Whats so magical about it?, Two termites walk into a bar. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. Probably a dozen times and the jokes are still funny every time. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? For more joke ideas, check out our main collection of bar jokes that will turn you into the life of the party. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here." Two termites walk into a bar. The NSA smiles and says, Heard it., The mushroom looks taken aback and says, Why? ", The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. Atfirst they're placed on jeeps; then when the brush gets thick, are placedon elephants. And a door. ", A screwdriver goes into a bar. They'll never expect it back. Holy f***. Mitzvah Jokes Mitzvah Jokes Funny Jokes One day, two bees are buzzing around One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. She absolutely loves working with her clients to help them get their story out to the world, using social media. A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. "Or at lest, Eddie Silver, the DA from Brooklyn said at my Bar Mitzvah -, So nu, welcome to the the fourth most important days in my son's life. He tells the bartender, Give me two shots of The bartender cuts him off saying, You only get one shot., He goes up to the bartender and asks, Is this the punch line?, A minute later he hears, You look great. Depends on the year. No charge., The first one says, It sure is hot in here., His friend snaps back, Shut your mouth!, The bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!, The screwdriver squeals, You have a drink named Philip??. Please select your Torah portion from this list for more resources, including themes and lessons to enhance your Bar Mitzvah speech. The first chemist says, Ill have a glass of H20. The second chemist says, Ill take a water too. The first chemist breaks down in tears. 30 Funniest Bar Jokes to Tell in 2022 | Reader's Digest The bartender says, "We don't serve food!" Wanna give it a go? The man takes another look at the meat and says, I think Ill pass. I gave him a glass of water. Always whisper the names of diseases. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. The bartender shakes his head and says, Yknow, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman.. "How's your summer been?" Ideas For Bar Mitzvah Jokes And Speeches You may already be stressed, so your emotions are mild - you already are. . Theyve got millions of them!, He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. In such a situation, humor is the perfect antidote. The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma.". To return Click Here. It's impossible to put down. A whine cellar! that is considered the birth of Christian antisemitism, gets the Mel Brooks treatment in "History of the World Part II," the long . One of our founding fathers was basically a bartender! "It is strictly forbidden. Blonde. Hairline. A crab walks into a bar and says, Ill have a pint please, but if Im not satisfied with it, Id like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne., The barman says, We dont serve time-travelers in here.. A non-renewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey. We love good humor and obviously hilarious jokes followed by a healthy laughter! An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk, and smoking cigars. In Mel Brooks' 'History of the World Part II,' Jewish jokes reign from A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling. I always wanted to explore the Holocaust on a deeper level. The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, I want to buy some peanuts! The outraged bartender yells back, I told you, I dont sell peanuts! Here are some thoughtful bar mitzvah wishes and messages. The bartender says, So, what will it be this time? The penguin doesnt answer because its a penguin. A man walks into a bar. "The first bee has an idea. Plenty of flowers andfruit. And if you think thats silly, guess how many bubbles are in one bottle of champagne 49 million! The occasion is her sons bar mitzvah and she wants her speech to strike just the right chord a blend of poignant, interesting, relevant, terse and funny. "- Muhammad Ali | Spammers go to: http://e-scrub.com/cgi-bin/wpoison/wpoison.cgi. Related Topics. 108 Dirty Jokes To Tell Your Friends That You Cant Help But Laugh At, These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of, The past, present, and future walk into a bar. Why didn't the bartender serve the snake? And to keep things historical, early colonialists made alcohol out of almost everything, like tomatoes, carrots, onions, squash, celery, beets, and even dandelions. Two bees ran into each other. "Get out!" shouts the barman. >>As he prepares himself for Bar Mitzvah, he is constantly hounded by his>>parents, reminding him, "You'll get presents, you'll get presents." This movie was hysterical. Only 12 cents., Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, Hey, do you taste something funny?, What is this, the bartender yells. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. RELATED: 100+ Best Pick Up Lines That Never Get Old, The bartender asks, Why did you do that? And the guy replies, Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!, The first one says, Ill have a pint of blood. The second one says, Ill have one, too. The third one says, Ill have a pint of plasma. The bartender says, So, thatll be two bloods and a blood lite?, Hey, Ive got a great new joke for you! the barman says. Did you know Abraham Lincoln had a liquor license and sold whiskey before becoming president? A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat. Here are a few funny facts thatll make good bar banter. Bar Mitzvah Wishes and Messages - Someone Sent You A Greeting A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony. The logo should be Whimsical with a focus on a Jokes and Humor themed party. ", "Don't talk rubbish" replied G-d, "Wait till you see the bloodyneighbours I'm giving them!!!". His assassination attempt failed. The bartender says, "We don't serve poultry!" If this wasnt cheesy enough for you, we have plenty of corny jokes up our sleeve. Jewish Humor and Joke Page When all the mice were around the cheese,I bar-mitzvahed them all. You cant tell me that was just a coincidence, man. Pick one or two heartwarming or funny stories that truly capture the . The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. For their winter Bar Mitzvah celebration, the Wabnik family gave each family a delicious mini apple crumb pie with an adorable 'goodbye' sticker As guests left the Lapidus celebration, a comfy pair of slippers were waiting along with a reminder to turn back the clocks! Even the cake was in tiers. I had that done when I was four. At her table, we had to include place settings for three stalkers.. Laughing all the time will make you happy and cheerful every day. After arguing about it for a few minutes, the guy says, Ill prove it to you. They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. Humor also relieves boredom and, wherever anxiety or tension exists, it breaks the ice. Dont worry, we have more grammar jokes that all the word nerds will appreciate. And its OK to get a little edgy or negative with your humor, but do not cross or possibly even get too close to the line. Yesterday, just to be safe, we put a sign on the temple door: Wrong day! Love sharing with your friends and family? You will surely laugh so hard with our jokes, especially the classic a guy walks into a bar jokes. 'Well, to tell you the truth, 'the caterer replied, 'I tried Epstein,but he only works in egg and onion. Feldmans path to observance took many twists and turns. His concept is block letters with whimsical characters sitting on them, one would be talking and the other laughing. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. Create a Whimsical / Funny Bar Mitzvah Logo - 99designs A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. I sometimes joke that you are a very low-maintenance child. Funny Bar Mitzvah Speeches Speech writing can be a hugely daunting task, and inspiration may be hard to come by. The following are some examples of how to deal with specific topics: If you joke about someones personal appearance, its important that your subject have a good sense of humor about the topic. (Don't worry the Bar Mitzvah will be much less painful.) Christmas jokes - Another set of hilarious jokes to print. A French man walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder. !, He asks the bartender, Whats with the meat? The bartender says, If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. This is a singles bar. Sort By New. Seudat mitzvah: A seudat mitzvah (Hebrew: , "commanded meal"), in Judaism, is an obligatory festive meal, usually referring to the celebratory meal . 5 Best Jewish Jokes Ever | HuffPost Entertainment The chicken says, "That's okay. ". ''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "Hey, I've got a great new joke for you!" the barman says. A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. Yo Mama. Emma Taubenfeld is a former assistant editor for Readers Digest who writes about digital lifestyle topics such as memes, social media captions, pickup lines and cute pets. Becoming a bar mitzvah has acquired a mixed reputation since those days. My condolences on your loss. My brothers are still alive, the Irishman says. He said, "Funny you should come to me". >> I am reminded of the old Sam Levenson story about the Bar Mitzvah boy. It is also a good way to catch up with friends and meet new people. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children. What can I get you?, A horse walks into a bar. L'Chaim. A waitress responds, You passed it on the way here., The bartender says, Sorry friend, I cant serve you; youve been getting wasted all day long!, The bartender says, How the hell did you do that?, The bartender says, Close the dam door!, The second whale turns to the first and says Frank, what is wrong with you?, This article was originally published on Oct. 29, 2019, A Mom's Hilarious Review Of Her Dad Watching Her Son Is Going Viral, A Man Went Viral For Refusing To Give Up His Spot On A Ride To A Crying Child. What just happened? Seems like only yesterday you had your bris. But, we'd like your permission to dance together." He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. If you ask one more time, Ill nail you to the wall! The duck leaves. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood.". And slowly the mostlifelike model of the Bar Mitzvah boy descended. Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Mr. What to Write & Say In a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Card [Wishes, Blessings She seemed surprised. I want a cheese sandwich!, He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, Im looking for the man who shot my paw., The bartender looks up and says, Is this some kind of joke?, I will grant you three wishes, intones the genie. Bar and Bat Mitzvah: Coming of Age as a Jew - Haaretz.com The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, Give me two more just like this one!. Click here for more information. 100+ best anti-jokes for those who have a dry sense of humour, 50+ funniest Irish jokes that will leave your ribs aching. But how does one write a funny bar mitzvah speech? It takes a little work, but it is certainly doable for those with the least bit of comedic abilities. You may also want to try out some of these wine quotes that will uncork all the laughs. I just want a drink. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. A list of 41 Jewish puns! One of the oldest Jewish jokes is about the 13-year-old boy who takes the podium at the front of his synagogue to recite his bar mitzvah speech. Some kind of joke?, The bartender asks, Why the big pause? And the polar bear replies, I dont know, Ive always had them., The bartender asks, Hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy? Nay, lad, now make with the grog, says the captain. You are already subscribed to our newsletter! A broke guy walks past a pub. Bill Payne and Billie Jean Hayworth murders: What really happened? A Grandson's Bar Mitzvah, And The Ties That Bind ", What do two condoms say when walking past a gay bar. Similarly, when the bar or bat mitzvah student has to give his or her general speech or, more specifically, introductions for all of the candle-lighting ceremony participants, he or she certainly does not want to appear nervous, awkward or boring in front of friends and loved ones. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. Today we celebrate because you, as a new bar/bat mitzvah, are taking an important step in your life's journey: you are now on the path to adulthood. ", A chicken walks into a bar. The rabbi said funny you should ask me. The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?". Work Humor Into the B'nai Mitzvah Speech - Jewish Journal John Goodman ( Roseanne, Argo, The Big Lebowski) and Dan Aykroyd ( Ghostbusters, The Blues Brothers) both sent us this gag. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Speech from Parents & Family: Step by Step + Examples 137 Of Intoxicatingly Funny Bar Jokes | Bored Panda Funny Jokes; Top Rated; Most Discussed Recent; Random; Tell a Joke; One-liners. The first bee has an idea. The sticker on the slippers read: We hope you had fun, but you're probably beat, But I think she went a little far when she kept the afikomen money. Or, Brian is pretty oblivious to Jewish stuff. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. 4. Why you drinking so fast? asks the barkeep. You cant tell me that was just a coincidence, man. It was a Bar mitzvah. "Do you want to get sh*t faced?". We don't know what you think, but to us it sure looks like this Samoyed is telling a scary story or a special secret to this crowd of pups. I didnt order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak. A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall, but hoping to nip it in the bud. Right, in my time it would have been "Today I am a calculator", but I'mafraid nowadays it's "Today I am a cell-phone". And what better joke to tell at a bar than a classic, man walks into a bar joke. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp.". It's a breeze. Hey, thats neat, says the bartender.