She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! I thought, thats Abba-riginal. Youll just end up looking comedic and thats not what were going for here. Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. Theres just one condition. Now, sure. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. She couldnt control her pupils. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Theres a smartass quote for that. 55 Funny Food Jokes And Puns That Kids Will Relish - Fatherly ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. How did you do it? he asked. "Women are like iPhones. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! But doesnt that suit fit great?. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. Its torturous. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?, Well, yes, she said reluctantly. And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . Exit signs? So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! Me: 2011. ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. This is my step ladder. 7. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Rub one ball and everything moves.". These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! Menu. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears. Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. He shouts to her, Hey, why are you crossing the road? The chicken replies, To change the light bulb in the henhouse. Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Need the laughs to come fast? Today isnt your day. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. A: Get off the carousel. I never knew my real ladder. Gets jalapeo business! I couldn't believe the . Funny Redneck Sayings and Quotes - Sayings Plus When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. A talking clock? Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now. 87 FUNNY Soccer Jokes To Get You Laughing! In the piano! I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. [Read: 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment], 34. How do you think I feel? asks his companion. Your secrets are always safe with me. Thanks! All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. If you fell in a bucket of tits, you'd come out sucking your thumb. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. Hes never gonna give you Up. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. *Results not guaranteed. and Photobombed. A football coach. My computer's got the Miley virus. You still havent used the present I gave you last year.Submitted by L.B. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. '", "My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. Why couldn't the all-star football player listen to music? Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? Up in heaven, she sees God. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!, For his birthday, an old mans nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. You know, this is my first operation. The bartender says, Whatll you have? The skeleton says, Gimme a beer and a mop.. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Good Comebacks 1. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. What does a nosy pepper do? Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. A young monk arrives at the monastery. New Flat-Panel Television Pitch Turn-Signal Vermilion Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal Netflix-Envelope Scarlet Cubicle Ecru Unraked-Leaves Sienna Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz Blue-Screen-of-Death CobaltSubmitted by Casey Johnston, One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. Submitted by D.T. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. Dont miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. You cant make somebody love you. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Light travels faster than sound. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before If youre looking for a sassier way to go through life, these smartass quotes with advice are sure to help. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. Submitted by Greg Madden. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. 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He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes Youre being chased by a lion and theres a giraffe in the way in front of you. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country But again the camera flashed. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. It read, Mr. Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. 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Doctor: Nine.. ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. Theyre so noisy, he complained. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. She glares at the other little boy and asks, What do you want for breakfast? But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. Dont you want to play with any of the toys?, Yes, the little boy bawled, but if I did Id only break them.. 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One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. How are you feeling? she asks. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. Here are the best insulting smartass quotes we could find. Don't be the person to initiate that. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Of course, those who arent in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! Student: A drinking problem. These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Ten what? 76 FUNNY Football Jokes That Will Land You A Score Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. A blind man visits Texas. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Never trust atoms. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize youre not in shape for it, its too far to walk back. Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. 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Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} Ugh! the student groaned. Every so often, the good people of the Ask Reddit community get together and reveal their favorite short joke. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. If you're loving these science jokes, you'll get a kick out of these math jokes too. I found them. An impasta. I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. In fact, people love sarcasm, which makes it a great outlet to get all of that pent-up resentment out while slapping a smile on your face. Where are average things manufactured? ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. is saying I should be on Jeopardy! every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests. Laura Peek, comedian. I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. 100 Good Comebacks Best Funny, Witty Comebacks Ever - Parade ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? The head monk, says, You make a good point, my son.. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. 102 Chuck Norris Jokes to Celebrate the Ultimate Badass - Men's Health A: Lavion rose. Theyre making headlines. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. Could you give a poor man something to eat? asks the hobo. Ive led a very full life, says the dog. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. Tap To Copy. Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? What are you doing! says the husband. The sign says its okay, replied the visitor. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. During the pandemic, my two granddaughterssix and eight years oldwere being home-schooled by their mom. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?, The priest looks at the bottle and says: Good Lord! She couldn't control her pupils. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. You're the reason God created the middle finger. He was a great vet. Between you and me, something smells. Im in your driveway., 47. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. Dont miss this roundup of thefunniest one-liners on the Internet. The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. It is ranked top 3 sports in America. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote.